Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Flizaws

I had begun a blog out of anger at myself and a conversation I had but it quickly devolved into me ranting and directing anger at person(s) that didn’t deserve it. I don’t want to be judgmental of others (#14 below) and feel that I generally accept others’ views or feelings so instead I’m going to write up a quick list of MY flaws that I know I possess or have been told I possess. This way they are out in the open and don’t need to be re-hashed. Just tell me what number I’m doing like you are ordering something from Mickey D’s and I will try to address it in the situation. Or tell you to get over it.

1. I’m lazy- known this since about the 5th grade. I can get lazy about projects and things that aren’t right in front of me. But I always do my job and I do it well, no matter how much I may complain about it later and my curse of competency. I think a lot of people are like this; I just may be worse than the majority of other lazy souls. It’s not a lack of caring, I think. It just goes to a whole lot of other issues I have- such as not wanting to do things I don’t enjoy. This is my key flaw I’m trying to correct. Bear with me.
2. I focus on others too much- this is one of my own personal observations. I find I tend to do things for others at the cost of my own happiness/self-worth. I do it less and less nowadays but there are still times when I won’t do what I want to do for myself and will instead make sure others are alright. I often do this in my male-female relationships and it usually ends up with me alone and some cocky bastard winning off of my giving and time. (I’m forkin’ Good Luck Chuck) I also engage in this behavior with my friends and this can lead to me possibly resenting them for something or me hating myself, which I want not to happen on either count.
3. I mumble/don’t speak right on the phone- a few people have told me this. I don’t understand it. Weird phenomenon. May be due to me not being able to adjust my pitch to people unless they are directly near me or I just have a lot on my mind and at particular moments in the conversation it all tries to get out. I used to have a speech impediment when I was a kid so this should be something I can overcome.
4. I tell (white) lies- I don’t think I do this at all but since it was brought to my attention I will list it. My memory is generally pretty good 88% of the time so in those rare instances where I get something wrong it is usually due to miscommunication or my own unique phrasing and not outright lying.
5. I’m not adventurous- somewhat true. I do random shit like get up and leave work or travel across the country with no grand plan. I used to do more just random activities when I was in teens/early twenties but I guess I could be seen as not being that adventurous any longer. Trust me though, non-adventurous Sean, although less “fun”, is MUCH nicer than Adventure Sean. That guy was an ass, cared less about your feelings and would get you in some shite if you weren’t careful.
6. I don’t complete what I start- I don’t always and this is something I’m trying MAD hard to address. I need to complete my stories just so I can do what I want to do. This also goes back to #1- laziness.
7. I can become very taciturn- yeah, this one is me. This happens for many reasons- I truly have nothing to say/contribute, I’m thinking, I’m angry and am trying not to say some slick and/or hurtful shite, I’m not paying attention to what you say, I really want to just listen to you spin your tales or I just generally don’t want to talk right now. I’m not a big phone talker anyway so if you do end up on the phone with me for more than 7 minutes I must really like you and/or you are telling me something very interesting/important. Usually it’s or. Besides, see # 3. Do you really want my mumbly mouth yakking your ear off?
8. I don’t live healthy enough- I don’t. I hate exercise, don’t watch what I eat, sleep only a few hours a night and, although not so much anymore, party recklessly. Don’t see this changing anytime soon. The best you can hope for from me is tiny adjustments in this department.
9. I get frustrated. Quickly- I get angry slowly but can get frustrated quickly. This normally only happens with people I actually care about. Very rarely do I waste my time thinking about how a stranger or someone I don’t like is making me feel anymore.
10. I don’t express my feelings a lot- I don’t. That's why you didn't know about #9. I’m getting better but it is a very SSLLOOOWWW process-hence all the namby-pamby blogs. I’d rather type out what I want to say because I can make it more coherent and it gives me time to cool down from silly anger (an emotion I’m more intimately familiar with as opposed to vulnerability) like I did with this thing. See? I’m already cool as a polar bears’ toe nails again. Plus, I hate people knowing they have any sort of control over the way I feel. Hate it, son.
11. I’m too proud to ask for assistance- yup. This one is probably here for the long haul and is intrinsically connected to # 2. Don’t see me getting rid of this one since I feel it is a key trait of mine. #2 is too but I NEED to deal with that one before I just lose it one day and flip out on someone.
12. I do things out of spite- this can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing, you ask? Yes. Spite has motivated me in the past to try hard just because others said I couldn’t do it. Spite is also a bad motivator for me because it used to make me pursue things that weren’t good for me just to piss people off.
13. I think too much- how is this bad? Well, I can often build things up in my mind as more serious than they really are and this can occupy my thoughts and consequently my time. This leads back to 2, 6, 7, 8 and 10.
14. I judge people- now, I don’t outright say things about people and their actions but in my head I formulate opinions on them. Is it worse to say it aloud or keep it inside? I don’t know. What I do know is that I mostly think the worse of many individuals and when they do happen to do something wrong I am rarely surprised because they are just doing what I assumed they would do all along anyway.
15. I hold grudges- I still dislike certain kids from back in elementary school, still feel bitter towards my dad and still don’t like one of E’s boys from college. I have gotten better and let go of a lot of the past because it makes no sense to dwell on it but there are still some things I need to get over.

Anything else? I’m sure there are other things that can go on this list for me. Just a friendly reminder before you contribute- I don’t really take it personal if it is true. You who are gonna add or comment should know this about me already anyways. I get upset about a situation/disagreement but I can always separate from the person making the statement and why I am cool with them to begin with. So, feel free to add something or message me with another one.
Especially, since all of you have similar and worse flaws like being stubborn, scattered, too accepting and judgmental, just to name a few. ;)
Have a good one, you motor boating sonsuvabitches.

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